The grease had now cooled from the explosion, and the interior of Fort Big Sexy was now a
little slimy to the touch. Coy was lying in the kitchen, his burnt skin now matched the redness
of his hair. He was content, because the precious 5 pound bag of bacon was destroyed in the
fiery pit of his stomach, though it was probably only a matter of time before he needed to
clean Jhon’s carpet again. The inner conflict of Coy had ended... for now.
Rumors had began circulating a few shows ago, and have started becoming something of a
major issue. It appears the troll is gay. Yep. Gay. Homosexual, man-loving, flamingly gay.
While he would have every reason to be after being traumatized in an attack by giant squid
who still gives him nightmares to this day, (it was a psychotic female nymphomaniac squid)
the troll still enjoys sex with women. A lot. In fact, it is highly suspect he has much more
woman handling experience than his main accuser who has happened to have been single for
close to a year. What’s up with that? Should single men really be making calls on whether or
not someone else likes women when the only action they get is from their own hand? Sounds
like he’s really insecure about his lack of attraction to women so he projects his own
homosexual tendencies onto others. You can’t be gay and homophobic, it just doesn’t work.
Anyway, the troll decided to put an end to this nonsense. No one was going to call him a fag
and get away with it. He might be a little weird, but he does not like man sex. He loves the
ladies. So he touched up his eye makeup (he wanted to look good if he was going out) and
left his cave to anally rape his accuser. That’ll show him who’s gay!
The troll wandered for days hunting for the spreader of such lies. His accuser was of much
smaller stature than the troll, so he had an easy time hiding from him. The troll searched
tirelessly, until he received a call on his cell phone. Since when do trolls carry cell phones?
Coy was delivering a message that his dear friend the Green Fairy was back in town. Coy
waited on the phone for the troll to reply, but nothing was said. Seconds later, the troll and
Tyrone were at Fort Big Sexy. When booze is involved, trolls don’t mess around. With 4/5
of the band present (no one could find Andrew), the band began partying with the Green Fairy
by drinking... absinthe milkshakes?!?! I’m sorry, but if you’re trying to be all dark and artistic
and drink absinthe milkshakes, you fail. You are taken less seriously than Norselaw. So the
band drank, and tried writing songs, but they produced no Wilde writings. Why were they
not hallucinating, or at least undergoing absinthe psychosis like all the 19th century artistic
types they were blatantly hoping to copy (even though they were merely hiding lack of talent
behind chemicals.)? Upon closer inspection, Coy figured out what was going on.
“We’ve been hornswaggled! This is Scope!”
They were drunk off of Scope milkshakes. Andrew was for the first time ever the only smart
band member because he was off hiding from angry trolls while the rest of his band mates got
loaded off of Scope. The string section felt dumb, so they all danced in front of a web cam
for assorted jailbait chicks, and Tyrone even shook his beggin’ strip at his online admirers.
This was truly a sad night in the history of Clad in Darkness.
Following the Scope binge, and Jhon getting yelled at because he’s a sloppy idiot who doesn’t
know how to clean up after a party, the band decided that there needed to be more pictures
showing off their sexiness. Actually, just Coy and Casey’s sexiness, but everyone got
photographed so no hurt feelings were had. The pictures were somewhat of a disaster. Upon
entering the ancient forest, Jhon was fearful of the trees attacking him yet again. And there
were hordes of giant bugs. Hungry giant bugs. Hungry giant bugs that ignored the large
amounts of toxic chemicals the band members had soaked themselves in and ate them
anyway. The pictures were very grim and necro, since each member was bleeding profusely
from the large chunks of flesh torn out of them from the ravenous six legged flying parasites.
After a short while in the woods, it was realized Coy was standing on a nest of six legged
flying things of the stinging variety, so they ran off to finish the glamour shots elsewhere.
The troll jumped onto a tree, and climbed up. But this happened to be a severely emotionally
disturbed tree that was practicing self-injurious behavior. The tree reached over and ripped
off one of its branches. This happened to be a branch the troll was using as support, and
tumbling down the tree he went. Unfortunately, his plummet was not captured on film. After
this trying day of spending way too much time out in the sun, the band went out for
calzones. The troll ordered one with pineapple and bacon. Everyone stared at the troll in
silence. The waitress smacked him upside the head before taking the other people’s orders,
and everyone laughed at the troll for eating such a bizarre combination of food. Trolls are
dumb.