After a very long tid of wasting everyone’s precious tid (especially Jakten’s), the band decided
to return to the studio to rerecord their hit demo, Demonistic Crimson Serenity. While this
venture to the studio was not quite the disaster the first trip was, it was not without its share
of problems. The Skullsplitter could not be there because he was visiting an old prison
buddy. This was somewhat of a problem because some of his drumming needed to be fixed.
This was left to Big Sexy and the troll. To punish Andrew, the person getting credit for all the
drumming, his parts were redone by the two members with the worst sense of rhythm. After
Marilyn’s time in the box was done, the band decided to play a game of volleyball with
Different Foam. Different Foam is similar to Styrofoam, like, identical to Styrofoam, but its
not. It’s different, hence the name, Different Foam. This game was ended (after it went on
for far too long) when Marilyn started to eat the ball. The ball was still usable after this, but
no one wanted to touch it. It wasn’t a petty concern of touching his saliva. It was simply a
rational aversion to wanting to touch anything that was visible covered with pieces of partially
digested road kill. Mr. Filth seems to be unclear of the fact that Clad in Darkness is not
Retch, though the band may cause that reaction to some.
Many nights after the studio, Coy began acting very peculiar. He would enter catatonic states,
and then exit them only to babble incoherently. Maybe he was speaking in tongues, or just
ranting about whatever was bothering him that day. No one knows for sure. It was just
weird and mildly annoying. When he eventually started speaking intelligible Engli---I mean,
Norwegian, he was speaking very blasphemous things about the Bacon Goddess. Normally,
this would anger John, but since Coy was the one who brought awareness of the wonderful
Bacon Goddess to the band, John was more worried than angered. John could not fathom
why Coy was saying all these horrible things, until he saw a familiar glint in his eye. Coy was
possessed by a spirit they thought they were rid of long ago (out of fresh ideas? Let’s bring
back stuff from former chapters!). Koi had somehow escaped from the fiery abyss Trogdor
had sent him too, and wanted to reclaim his control over the band. Perhaps this was the work
of the Parker Bros. Ouija board. John did not want to go through that nonsense again. It was
dumb enough when it happened the first time. He felt bad enough about ripping one arm off
of Grendel and he didn’t want to take the other one. So he prayed and summoned the Bacon
Goddess. She was angered by Koi’s evil doings, so she decided to smite him. Blood splattered
from Koi’s mouth as the Bacon Sword drove deep into his blackened heart. It exploded,
which could have killed a normal assassin but the Bacon Goddess is immortal. Coy grew a
new heart and was back to his old self, and the Bacon Goddess departed, leaving behind a five
pound bag of bacon that she stole from Marilyn’s work.
John had become obsessed with the Bacon Goddess, and her exorcising Koi only intensified
things. He offered the troll a 12 string bass to drive him to the realm of the Bacon Goddess.
The troll, being the idiot he was, forgot that John has no way of paying for the instrument and
they ventured off to her realm accompanied by a lady friend of the troll. The troll is in the
band and he doesn’t get a name, so none of the people he surrounds himself with get one.
They should be grateful their existence even gets acknowledged. So with the bacon goddess
the four of them created some of the worst music in existence. John, in continuing with his
flattering lies to the troll to keep getting rides out of him said the troll was a better guitarist
than he was. Lies, lies, lies! The troll sucks! But the troll ate it all up because he’s an
egomaniac and needs all the ego stroking he can get. He is the bassist after all. It’s not as bad
as being a drummer, but it’s not a whole lot better. Anyway, the nameless female left, but the
troll had to stick around to provide mood music for the John and the Bacon Goddess. The
troll had recently discovered a wah-wah pedal, and while he wasn’t very good at using it,
hiring him for a night was a lot cheaper than buying a porno soundtrack CD from a Disc
Replay discount bin. And now the mood was set with the badly played 70’s porno funk from
the troll’s bass and the black candles on the Bacon Goddess’s altar, it was time for John’s
clouded frost spire to part her gates of attrition. And the question on everyone’s mind was
about to get answered. Was the frost giant “Big Sexy” where it counts? The answer is...
(drum roll)
****
****
****
No.
At least not that night. No one is really sure how this happened, but John somehow managed
to simultaneously suffer from impotence and premature ejaculation. It was as if little
Frostilicus wept milky tears. John said he couldn’t concentrate with the bad troll music, so
the troll was sent home early. This pleased the troll, because he was paid in advance in full so
he was a whole $0.37 richer (before taxes and travel expenses, which put him in the hole
$30). John thought maybe he could talk to the troll about pills, since he did sometimes make
faces like that Bob guy from the Enzyte commercials, but it was later revealed the troll took no
pill enhancement supplements. He just made that face because he had severe mental
retardation. With the distraction of the troll gone, John attempted to become a man again.
And the results....
****
****
****
Nope.
Same problems. He was also frigid this time, but that shouldn’t really surprise anyone. He is
a frost giant after all. It seems with the bad troll music gone, John has even worse sexual
problems that aren’t exactly possible in reality. Typical John. Needlessly blaming the troll for
his short comings (rim shot!). Looks like the troll is getting beaten. Again. Maybe if Coy
was there with his sexy red hair. Actually, that would only solve one problem. I’ll let you
guess which. Go on. Guess. Fine, it’s the impotence. Anyway... instead of typing out the
same joke another 17 times, we’ll leave it at after many, many tries, John finally got the deed
taken care of, even though he needed instruction in how to protect his frost spire from
melting. And there was much rejoicing.