The band finally had a vocalist added to their lineup, Marilyn Filth. In case anyone is
wondering, that is not his real name. His real name is Casey Hogan, and before he arose from
a Norwegian pit of hell as a ghoul he was actually from a boring affluent Norwegian suburb.
He didn’t think the name Casey Hogan was grim enough, so he adopted Marilyn Filth as being
commentary on American society. He took the name Marilyn from supermodel Marilyn
Monroe, and Filth, a term for garbage. No one is really sure what statement he’s trying to
make here, or if it could even possibly have any sort of relevance. We think he just likes dirty
girls. He does have somewhat of a thing for dead squirrels. Good for the band really. John
rapes and kills the squirrels, and Marilyn gets a new toy. Ask the Smarter Child, and it will tell
you all of John’s interest in the squirrel. But Smarter Child does not know all. It knows about
squirrels, but John’s secret of beating his penguin way too often remains safe.
****
Since Coy had been freed from his imprisonment in a goblin body, he was aware of the fact
he didn’t quite fit in with the band as well as the other members. Perhaps it was because he
was human and everyone else was some horrid abomination loosely based off a mythology
mixed with Dungeons and Dragons. But it felt like there was something more. One night Coy
was visited by his dear friend the Green Fairy. The rest of the band were off doing whatever
it is they do when they aren’t doing the band thing, which consists of different meaningless
activities to help pass the time until death. The Green Fairy was said to be very wise, and Coy
felt a lot closer to the Green Fairy than to his band mates. He discussed his feelings of
marginalization, hoping perhaps she could shed some light on the matter, but he mainly just
wanted someone to listen to him talk about his feelings. The Green Fairy listened intently, and
told Coy that she knows much about his past. It turns out that Coy truly was different from
the rest of the band. He was actually the illegitimate love child of Kris and Grendel. His
existence was quite scandalous and was abandoned by his parents soon after birth. But that
was not the worst of his past. Nothing could have prepared him for what was coming next.
He was not Norwegian at all. Coy had believed he was from a small fishing village on the
west coast near the end of the peninsula. He was actually from Scothenberg, an Irish
settlement in Sveeden near Gothenburg, Sweden. It was suddenly morning and the Green
Fairy was gone. Coy was uncertain if he actually was enlightened about his past, or if what
he had learned was simply one of the psychotic episodes the Green Fairy occasionally brings
to her friends. He decided not to worry about it, difficult, as it is not to worry about the fact
one might be Sveedish, but definitely not discuss it with anyone. If was true, he would learn
soon enough, but he couldn’t let that Sveedish thing get out.
And that was only the start of Coy’s bad day. Not only did he now suspect the fact that he
might be from Sveeden, but a ketchup bottle in his kitchen also began taunting him. The
ketchup bottle proclaimed itself to be evil, and superior to Coy in every way. He taunted Coy
relentlessly. Coy tried arguing with it, and despite his superior intelligence, the crimson
condiment would not back down from his harassment. I guess when you lack a brain from
being a condiment, you do not have the intelligence to be aware of the fact you’re an idiot.
Coy resorted to enlisting help. Chinese psychiatrist Dr. Lo Wang was called to give an
obvious and correct diagnosis but the ketchup was clearly in denial. John refused to get
involved. Way to help your friend you big sexy jerk. The troll asked a few questions to the
evil ketchup that went unanswered. The ketchup didn’t talk to the troll because everyone
knows trolls don’t exist, and evil, talking condiments can only talk to things that exist. The
troll’s next attempt to help was to call in a team of 1337 cyber ninjas. The ninjas were
promised a reward for succeeding (which they didn’t) but somehow still managed to get
anyway. They had enthusiasm, but the ADHD kept them from combating the ketchup. And
they were lazy ninjas to begin with, distracted by Evercrack and DDR. Damn ninjas.
Eventually, after the bottle’s reign of terror had gone on for a few days, the Cupcake Lady
came over and smashed the bottle of ketchup, wearing a disgusted look that was caused
equally by the actions of the ketchup and the stupidity of the band. These morons don’t
deserve her wondrous cupcakes. The malignant mustard was about to join in the torment
with the hellish horseradish, but the two decided against it. The Cupcake Lady’s wrath was
something neither wanted to incur. The sinister sweet and low was not scared though,
because he had the power to cause cancer in laboratory animals, but he would wait until a
later day to cause trouble. Perhaps on May 5th.
To continue avoiding any activity that could possibly be considered “something that is not a
complete waste of time and energy,” Coy and John got out their Parker Bros. Ouija board and
summoned the spirit of long dead “singer” Petrus the Tormentor of Cats. For old time’s sake
they felt like jamming together and composed a new piece, Necromelancholic Happy Killing
Time, or something ridiculous along those lines. If you want to know the name go look in the
Grim Vault of Rotting Necro Death. You found this secret page you can find that one. Given
that this is a side project and not all of Clad in Darkness was involved, this song was done
with Coy on guitar and John on drums. This was good, because Coy drums are a mix
between humorous and scary. Learning about this song (for lack of a better term), the troll
felt he could make some interesting music as well. Interestingly crappy that is. He had
always been a closet tuba player, and knew John’s secret of being an accordion virtuoso,
being taught by “Steve Vai” Yankovic. Coy happened to be wearing overalls and a straw hat
and had grass in his mouth that day (no one knows what the hell he was thinking given that he
usually only dresses like that on laundry day, which was clearly three days from now), so he
was given a banjo because it matched his outfit. The band redid Blibber Blubber and the
Eternal Lolli--er I mean, Solitude with those instruments. The sound was horrible, but it was
still fun to do, especially with the jig John danced while rocking out to the accordion solo at
the end. If only he did his jigs at concerts. Maybe Clad in Darkness might be a band people
would want to see live. I think if he did the jigs people who hated Clad in Darkness would go
to the shows just to see his jigs. They’re that good (well, just really funny to watch).
Because the band was so amused with this new version of the song, they decided to get even
more bizarre instruments to redo their four songs. Instead of writing and finishing new
songs, they decided to make versions of the same old boring songs that no one could possibly
like. Success is not true, and thus Clad in Darkness wants no part of that. In fact, the band
noticed that they were developing a small following. This was bad. They immediately broke
up and decided to try less marketable ventures. Big Sexy and Marilyn decided to pay homage
to Cradle of Spooky Kids while the remaining band members ventured off into 80’s hair
metal. This lasted about a day before people came to their senses.