Poor Brian. Well, poor everyone, as it was a sad day in metal, but it appears that Martin
Lopez has decided to hang up his drumsticks and leave Opeth. Brian took this news harder
than anyone though, as his style was heavily ripped off, I mean, influenced by Lopez. But
Brian need not worry long, as accomplished drummer M. Lopez was seen in a photo issued
by Opeth with a press release addressing the status of Opeth’s drummer. Mario Lopez, best
known for his character of AC Slater on Saved by the Bell, decided to fill the shoes of Martin
Lopez and beat the skins for Opeth. While the new Lopez has a short music career resume,
his brief stint in the short lived, obscure, and probably fictitious band Zack Attack showcases
his vast array of drumming techniques, and with him being behind the kit Opeth fans have
nothing to worry about. But more importantly, this was a huge milestone in the career of Clad
in Darkness. CID has probably ripped off Opeth more than any other band, and now Opeth is
following the example set by Clad in Darkness, for now the gayest member of Opeth is their
new drummer, just like Clad in Darkness.
Trolls suck at buying bass amps. He originally was playing a combo he stole from someone’s
garage and upgraded nearly a year ago. Unfortunately, his head was underpowered for the
cab and he needed to upgrade. The troll foolishly decided to listen to Brian’s advice, and
ended up upgrading a little too much, which resulted in blowing up his cab at the last show.
So to ensure that his head would not destroy his speakers again, the troll got a new cab that
was about 98 times the size of his old one, going from being barely audible at maximum
volume to being able to be heard in other hemispheres at only 5% power. The problem is the
troll lacked the foresight to realize that this thing is going to redefine the term “pain in the ass”
whenever its time to move his equipment anywhere.
It was rumored that the troll had acquired a massive amp to compensate for other
shortcomings, but one must remember that Brian played an instrumental (groan) role in
acquiring this monstrosity. Therefore, it should be noted that both the troll and Brian fail at
being people, as both are grown men living with their parents with incredibly tiny paychecks,
and are making up for it through the Big Bertha Bass amp, the troll directly and Brian
vicariously.
So the day finally came when the band decided to play another show. As for this ridiculous
location, whoever had ‘VFW hall with a bunch of
hardnumetalfashionnoisescremoemoscenecore’ bands wins this betting pool.
The troll was getting annoyed with everyone complaining about his massive amp. He wished
they would just shut up about it and operate the damn crane so the amp could get to the 2nd
floor.
Here is where the band learned that there was a long-standing rivalry between The Dancers
and The Moshers. Apparently, there is a war going on between the two, where the two tend
to “make fun of each other” during concerts, even though the dancers “look cool as hell.”
Clad in Darkness set up their equipment, but when they started playing they noticed a lot of
the kids in the audience looked like they were going into vertical seizures. Coy recognized this
practice as being hardcore dancing, and knew that no good could come from this. Soon the
moshers started making fun of the dancers, which led to the dancers retaliating by making fun
of the moshers. This was unacceptable. The band was used to playing shows where no one
paid any attention to them, but this show actually had people interested in them. The childish
nonsense of the battle of moshers vs. dancers was distracting everyone from watching the
band perform. Luckily for the band, the troll had that ginormous amp, and was able to use it
to create the brown noise.
Now, true metalheads are immune to the brown noise, as they have lost a substantial amount
of hearing sensitivity, but these moshing and dancing posers were in no such luck, as the
whiny crap they listened too lacked the crunching lows and blistering highs needed to destroy
one’s hearing. The troll made the sound, and all the distractions crapped their pants. This
naturally caused them to run away crying to write bad poetry and commit mass suicide,
leaving only the people who could appreciate the Norgasmic sound of CID behind. CID was
able to triumphantly finish the show, but the greatness of the troll’s amp was soon forgotten
as they needed to employ a dozen stout men to get it back in the Scatvan, who ended up
taking all the money the band earned playing the show. But all things considered, the trip to
the VFW was a good show, and the band all celebrated with copious amounts of apple juice.
Creidhne had been watching this bizarre turn of events. The band resisted the Boobah assault
and succeeded at a show that should have been a guaranteed disaster. The band had become
a much more formidable force since they cheated death, and a confused Creidhne went into
deep thought about what his next move would be in light of this bizarre series of events.