Cold raindrops descended onto the troll as he stood solemnly clutching a wreath of flowers as
the casket was slowly lowered into the freshly dug hole. It just wasn’t fair. He was so
young. He never hurt anyone. He didn’t even have the chance. Granted, it was the troll’s
first attempt at cloning organic material, but Mini Steve didn’t even get one full week to be
alive. When the casket was in the ground, the troll laid down the flowers by the inverted
cross tombstone. No one was there to comfort the troll. No one even liked Mini Steve, and
they all thought that it was the troll’s worst idea since writing a concept album about the
history of the band. John and Steve didn’t even show up to pay their respects to Steve’s
genetic double. But Mini Steve was the troll’s loss so who cares? He’s a troll. Trolls don’t
have feelings. Or friends.
To follow the standard behavioral patterns of pretty much everyone in Clad, the troll wanted
to drown his sorrows through open candid discussion of his feelings through a support
network of caring and concerned friends. I mean, with alcohol. Lots and lots of alcohol. As
luck would have it, Coy and The Falconer of Wanker County were going to a party that night,
and since John was being a jerk and visiting Zombina Sans Skeletons (formerly known as
Tranny Surprise), the troll went to the party, which happened to be hosted by \m/(><)
\m/METALMASTER\m/(><)\m/!
At the party, everyone discussed what a jerk J-Ho was for leaving everyone to go do horribly
nasty things with his girlfriend and making fun of him for actually being Polish and hiding it
behind false Norwegian heritage (John’s true ethnicity is 80% Polish, 30% Norwegian. It’s a
safe assumption that his brain is included in the 80%). Little did they know that the cat
everyone was making fun of for being confused and bipolar was actually Zombina’s familiar.
The music that \m/(><)\m/METALMASTER\m/(><)\m/! chose to play at the party was Dr.
Dre. I guess there’s nothing wrong with Dr. Dre if you’re into early 90’s commercial gangsta
rap, but having a party with metal bands there and playing nothing but Dre questions the status
of being \m/(><)\m/METALMASTER\m/(><)\m/! At least take the \m/(><)\m/ out of your
name. That looks really dumb. Or keep them in but pay homage to John and his dear friend
Steve: \m/(>*<)\m/.
After Coy fingered a pie that was twice removed from Rellik, the three Cladlings fled from the
party and went on a cupcake and cheeseburger and rum binge and had the best time ever
despite Coy eating too many cupcakes and puking on the side of John’s house. Or so they
claim.
“LOB-STTTTTTTTOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!’ “LOB-
STTTTTOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRR!!!” blared from the stereo at the next
barbecue the band attended. “Lobstor liked to scream. I mean, maybe he couldn’t scream.
But maybe he screamed anyway. But he was still LOB-
STTTTOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRR!!”
The troll and Tyrone were in the kitchen commenting on the horrible music that was being
played at the party. Casey was getting fed up with the whole Tyrone thing, and rebelled
against the bassist’s trollish ways. This would not stand. The troll bound Tyrone’s wrists to
the ceiling with some hemp rope that just happened to be lying around.
“Your name is Tyrone, boy.” “I am Casey Hogan.” * SNAP! * The troll cracked the whip
leaving a gash on Tyrone’s back. “I said, your name’s Tyrone.” “Ca..ca.casey… Hogan.” *
SNAP! * “Tyrone.” This went on for quite some time.
After that was done, a more horrible thing happened. Zombina wanted some action for her
birthday that her bum of a boyfriend failed to get a present for. So using her feminine wiles,
alcohol, peer pressure, and the troll’s whip, the unthinkable happened. John, and Tyrone,
kissed. Yes, that’s right. Want to me repeat it? John, and Tyrone, kissed. In front of
people. Such blatant displays of sexual ambiguity are usually only done by the troll
(intentionally anyway, The Skullsplitter does quite a bit of that himself but denies it). But even
they don’t go anywhere near that far. Actually it was a pretty nothing moment and incredibly
anticlimactic, but it was still fun to torment John about it. But this worked well. It was part
of Zombina’s master plan.
Since everyone was distracted now, she used her former bacon deity powers combined with
her new zombie necromancy skills to have bacon cook itself and come to life and attack The
Falconer. As the bacon grease burned the Falconer, Zombina used her powers to make flour
and cheese fall on her, which cooked in the bacon grease making The Falconer a giant cheese
curd. Mr. Coy happened to walk into the room oblivious to Zombina’s recent vengeance, and
saw a tasty looking large cheese curd and ate it. Upon eating it he collapsed to his knees and
lightning shot out of him as he absorbed the victim’s name in what could be described as
something not distinctly different from the quickening from Highlander. Mr. Coy will
henceforth be known as The Falconer of Wanker County.
‘Lets us never speak of that horrible, horrible journey again,’ is what Bulging Pinko (formerly
known as the Falconer of Wanker County) thought as she had finally been freed from her
digestive prison. Her second thought was why does she have such a stupid name now (pretty
easy to figure out actually, if you know about her love life and opinion of the shrub). Zombina
went too far with that one, and now she had to pay. None of this senseless violence would
need to continue if Zombina would stop being such a disobedient brat and just die on those
numerous times she was supposed to. But now it was time to die. No elaborate schemes or
chemical mixtures this time. This was going to be a straight up catfight.
Bulging Pinko walked up to Zombina and slashed her corpse-like face with her fingernails.
Zombina punched Pinko back, and Pinko pounced on Zombina. Soon they were rolling on the
ground hissing and clawing at each other, and all band members stood watching the carnage.
The battle continued on for a few more minutes before a big red koi fish the size of a city bus
fell from the sky and crushed both combatants. The troll saw this and said “You both koi!”
which was met with a smack upside the head from Coy. John had to point out that in this
situation they did in fact get totally koied and Coy felt badly about smacking the troll, so he
punched Steve and felt better.
After this happened, Coy, John, the troll, Steve, and Tyrone went to the kitchen in Fort Big
Sexy (which is finally no longer slimy from the deep fryer eruption) and had tea with lemon
and talked about their favorite fruits. Someone mentioned Andrew, completely oblivious to the
fact that gay jokes are completely played out and haven’t been funny for quite some time
now. The troll decided to sing a song he just composed for John on the topic of fruit.
He sang,
“In a fridge with no light, yogurt without pears. I open up the door, and light shines in there.
There’s a bulb that burns inside, when eating time has come. I reach in to grab what’s mine.
And grasp the cup inside.
Fruit’s inside but at the bottom should check the date to see it’s not rotten. Eating fast I
always gobble ‘em, gaining weight without reason, it’s yogurt time!
Dairy gas lingers long; this bloating’s here to stay. There’s a burning discharge, that yogurt
expired over 60 days. It was European imported, so days and months were switched. Must
puke on young children, pray I rest safe through the night.
Stupid date was reversed this vomiting is the worst. Expired dairy rotten fruit, missed the
kids, puked on my boots, it’s yogurt time!”
That was horrid, but John requested a yogurt song. I’ve never seen pear yogurt anywhere,
and who imports yogurt from Europe, and if it was made to be imported you’d think they
would put the proper expiration date on it based on the standards of the country it would be
sold in. A lot of the lines in the song are grammatical nightmares at best to pure nonsense at
worst. It just isn’t very good or very well thought out, nor does its placement there fit the
context of the story at all. So lets all blame John for having read that atrocity. The troll was
very unhappy about that song and didn’t want anyone to hear it, but shared it just to make
John happy, and it’s been put in here because I hate the troll so very very much. And MS
Word sucks because it won’t let me format that song in the format I wanted to so I had to
settle for one of the ugly formats it would accept.