Since John now had no computer to waste his life on, he decided to go on a camping trip with
Coy, Mr. Coy, Steve, and The Falconer of Wanker County. The troll was invited but he didn’
t go, because he had a suspicion that certain people in his band really dislike him because they
never want to hang out with him to eat cheeseburgers and watch Predator. Upon arriving
near the campsite, Coy noticed bears were everywhere. He heard they were attracted to
menstrual blood, so he was fearing the worst would happen. He would hate to be torn apart
by bears on the camping trip. And the bears seemed to be getting closer and closing in on the
van. Coy was terrified. At any minute the bears would be upon them, and they would all die.
“Moo.” “Moo moo moo.” “Mooooo.” What the crap? These aren’t bears these are cows!
Cows wouldn’t hurt them. Except these cows were walking upright. They also had
battleaxes. This was just not right. And there were hundreds of them. And they looked like
they were itching for a fight. It seems that they had driven the van through a portal to the
Secret Cow Pasture and had left the Shades of Death campground. Coy panicked and Mr.
Coy slammed on the accelerator and took the van through the portal back to the safety of the
campground. Back in the campground, a swarm of bugs flew towards the van crashing
through the window and they all lodged themselves in Coy’s eyes. The Falconer of Wanker
County had to pick out the bugs while John sat there and laughed at him. John really had no
room to laugh at anyone since some other campers saw him earlier in the woods and thought
he was the legendary Sasquatch known as Tendafoot. They were very disappointed when
they found out who he really was. John got a lot of attention on this trip. That night some
bird in the forest called out “John! John!” John wandered off looking to find the bird that
wanted his attention, which he never found. To make matters worse, when he returned to the
campground he saw that squirrels had ran off with their cookies and rice crispy treats the
Falconer had made for them, and a very fat raccoon had eaten all their corn. John chased
after these thieving animals, but stopped when he saw one of the battleaxe-wielding cows had
come through the portal and was guarding entrance into the forest. John was scared by the
cow and ran into his tent to hide. The cow was actually just passing through and went back
through the portal and closed it while John was hiding in the tent. And in the tent, he saw a
spider was looking at him. John screamed like a 4 year-old girl because in his haste to hide
from the Hell Bovine the zipper was jammed and it took him quite some time to get it open.
He wanted to sleep in the van that night because after all the mockery he got for his bravery in
the face of an 8 legged fiend he figured he’d be wiser to take his chances in the tent that
night.
Later on, John, Coy, and Steve went on a journey. They were ambushed by raccoons, which
chased the three off a cliff into a very cold lake. They washed up in a small cave but were all
very cold. In order to prevent hypothermia, they all huddled together in their underwear while
their clothes dried much like the guys in the commercial for the movie Without a Paddle.
When their clothes dried they all agreed to never speak of this again and made their way back
to the campsite to sleep in the tents they belong in. But Coy wasn’t sure if Steve really could
be trusted. The following night (after another raccoon attack) John decided to light the way
by tying a torch to his zipper that Coy kept trying to make puppets in the light of and failed at
making anything puppetty. John was fortunately careful with his beacon and did not melt his
clouded frost spire. But that paled in comparison to what happened at the end of the trip.
Coy ate oyster crackers, and they did not splatter all over the wall. Everyone was shocked by
Coy’s feat of eating oyster crackers and not puking.
So upon return from the adventurous journey into the woodlands, Clad in Darkness started
getting stalked by Medusa’s Young-ins. They were allegedly playing the upcoming show,
even though the flyer didn’t advertise them. But playing with Medusa’s Young-ins was
fantastic news to Clad in Darkness. This means that they wouldn’t actually be playing first
this time. It’s been awhile since that happened. This was very good news. However, the
troll had to rain on everyone’s parade by being a complete idiot. By virtue (for lack of a better
term) of being a Scorpio, the troll is prone to jealousy. He had seen all the fun John was
having with Steve, and since all his attempts at killing Steve failed, he instead decided he
wanted that for himself. So he secretly stole some DNA from Steve and made Mini Steve.
Mini Steve was identical to Steve in everyway, only 1/8 the size. It was also the troll’s first
attempt at cloning using human tissue, so it is uncertain how long Mini Steve will live. No one
is that optimistic about his longevity. But the troll had to bring Mini Steve to the show
because he hates his band mates and revels in tormenting them.
The band came to the church they were playing at the night and knocked on the door. A
window slid open in the door and a crazy man demanded the password (think The Princess
Bride). Would Clad in Darkness be allowed in the church to play tonight’s show? Yes they
would because John knew the password, “coypuke.” Upon entering the church (yep, another
church show), Steve was burned by the church’s churchliness and screamed in pain. But no
amount of churchliness could destroy the vile forces of the Steve. Nothing can kill him!
Steve will exist long after John dies! But as hard as it is to ignore Steve, the band quickly
focused on other things.
There were condoms. Free condoms. Sitting on the table waiting to get taken. Supposedly,
this was a take one per person type of deal, but the string players of Clad knew that wouldn’t
be enough. They took all the condoms and divided it amongst themselves. They had their
priorities straight. No one starts a band to get rich or be artistic. It’s all about sex. That and
getting plowed. Medusa’s Young-ins took the stage, and actually didn’t suck. Perhaps they
might get to play with Clad again in the future. Coy wanted to rock out some and have an
entertaining stage presence for once, which he thought vodka would help with. Creidhne was
watching Coy, and decided to double the alcohol concentration in his drink and imbue it so
Coy suffers all the downsides of being drunk with none of the amusing benefits. This caused
Coy to feel too sick to really not go crazy, and it caused the 2nd movement of Amidst Her
Crimson Patterns to sound rather odd and Clad in Coyness. It got totally Coyed. And this had
to be the work of Creidhne as well. Somehow, Andrew the Skullsplitter got a mic to talk into,
but the troll was denied one. Well, the troll not having a mic is probably a good thing since he
sometimes forgets that his vocal talents rank among the likes of Petrus the Tormentor of Cats,
but Andrew having one is just as bad. He introduced a song talking about how badass Gangs
of New York was. I got news for you Skullsplitter. Leonardo Dicaprio movies are way gayer
than wearing eyeliner to score chicks. In addition to the horror of the performance, Clad
picked the night that they were playing the worst ever to be bastards and extend their set list
past their allotted time. You morons, you’re supposed to do that on nights when you’re
playing exceptionally good, not embarrassingly crappy! So not only was the show worse than
usual, but also longer. Metal heads are dumb. But once again Creidhne failed because despite
the fact that this was easily the worst show Clad in Darkness ever played, they got a fairly
decent reception from the crowd. Creidhne really just isn’t putting in the effort into
tormenting Clad in Darkness he used to. Unless he was responsible for the pizza show, but
even that wasn’t as a bad as some of his past attempts.
After Clad played, the troll wanted to mosh. Well, he didn’t really want to himself. He
wanted to force John and Coy to against their will. Trolls get amused by the dumbest stuff.
Coy, being the more intelligent of the two guitar players, hid behind The Falconer of Wanker
County whenever the troll and Jhonka came by, but John kept getting hurled into the crowd.
The troll was especially proud of a small pit he started by flinging John into some people
without actually get involved in it himself. Creidhne was getting really pissed off at this
point. Everyone was having fun despite his attempts at tormenting them. This could not
stand. Creidhne waited in the parking lot and assumed the form of Varg, sending out a Siren
song that only Andrew could hear. Andrew left and wandered out to the parking lot entered
into Varg’s clutches, who took the mesmerized skin beater with him. No one knows where
Andrew was taken or what Varg has in store for him. No one knows when Andrew will ever
be seen again.