That play sucked. For starters, musical theatre is not true at all. There’s something wrong
with guys who like musical theatre, they’re kind of like guys that like cats. And the subject
matter was questionable and the attempts at humor juvenile. It also lacked originality, and all
of the songs sounded very familiar. No stars.
Following the last performance, the band was invited to a barbecue. Normally free meat (even
though it’s not bacon) cooked over fire would be enough to get the lazy carnivores out but
this was a special barbecue. There would be explosives at this one. How could any member
of Clad turn it down? Besides Tyrone, who was doing something with his mom, and Andrew,
who’s just an antisocial putz. The troll was in very good spirits at this event, but only because
very good spirits were in the troll. Trolls are normally mean, but get them boozed up and they
become very friendly. Very very friendly. Probably too friendly for most people’s comfort
level. Damn lecherous trolls. But no one cared because everyone and their father (especially
Coy’s father, Mr. Coy) were quite loaded. So everyone was drinking and eating charred
animal flesh, and other people in attendance were blowing each other up. A pool was started
on who would blow what body part off of who next, but something distracted the band
members from this, which is a shame because John would’ve won with 12 year old kid’s left
eye from crazy gun nut.
It appears that the Bacon Goddess and The Falconer of Wanker County (formerly known as
the Cupcake Lady) were friends. This shocked everyone. It was even rumored at one point
that The Falconer of Wanker County was plotting to kill the Bacon Goddess and chop her into
little pieces and secretly bake her into some of her wondrous cupcakes and feed them to
John. It wouldn’t have been the first time John consumed human flesh, although John usually
sticks to children. He likes picking fights with the young children in his neighborhood, which
he always wins by picking up the kids and eating them. But the rumors were only half
wrong. At the time they circulated, The Falconer did act on a plan to murder the Bacon
Goddess. Not wanting to get caught, she poisoned the Bacon Goddess by feeding her a
cupcake that would slowly kill her in a way that no one could pin on her. It had Cheerios for
sprinkles on the icing, and the batter was loaded with cerivastatin, more commonly known as
Baycol. The Bacon Goddess had instantaneously developed a fatal case of rhabdomyolysis,
and collapsed over dead. But that was nothing compared to what would follow.
No one knew the Bacon Goddess was pregnant, and because of the chemical reaction of her
highly acidic (from aging) womanly fluids and the base of John's young milky tears, the
embryonic fluid was at such a unique ph that it repels the poisons of Baycol so the fetus was
not instantly killed. The Baycol had exponentially increased circulation and the body did not
know how to handle it. The pressure change caused by the increased speed of the blood flow
caused vessel breakage and blood flowed into the womb, which the breaking of the vessels
sounded exactly like a lobster’s scream when it gets dropped in boiling water. The fetus fed
off the blood and combined itself with its deceased mother where it then rewrote the host
body's entire genetic code. This unusual mutation caused by the fusion of a parasite and host
created a new entity that would fill the role of John's girlfriend, even though his girlfriend is
now both his child and his child’s mother. This new creature is known as Tranny Surprise.
After the barbecue, everyone went back to his or her own individual caves, but there was an
unpleasant surprise waiting for the troll. It was now his turn to get arrested. Apparently the
fair maiden of no importance whatsoever make some claims that the troll was stealing Coy’s
potatoes and hiding them under his skin. She claimed this is why he only ate bacon.
Apparently, Coy can’t afford cheese, and he’s also rumored to be Irish, so he eats potato
skins with just bacon, but since the troll stole his potatoes, he’s been left to eat just bacon.
None of this made sense to the troll either. But it makes perfect sense to the accuser, and the
cops seemed to comprehend it. The troll was eventually released, since after cutting him open
they saw none of Coy’s potatoes. They did find a few cheeseburgers, which baffled
everyone, but he wasn’t on trial for smuggling cheeseburgers. Only potatoes.
Now, there are many rumors circulating about Coy’s heritage. As a member of Clad in
Darkness, he states to be 100% Norwegian. The Green Fairy told him that he is Sveedish.
Others claim he is Irish. But Coy has his own explanation. He claims that back in 1906, the
Norwegian government was trying to play god by creating test tube babies that would live to
the age of 237, which is a rather ridiculous and specific age to live to. He claims that he does
not age normally due to his method of coming into existence and he is actually 98 even though
he acts more like three the way he celebrates his birthday everyday. Despite his red hair, he is
actually Jewish (Scottberg anyone?) and would have been killed in World War II when
Germany invaded Sveeden (did that even happen?) but his rich parents (the scientists that
made him) sent him to Norway. He claims some of the other better known experimental
children were Faust, Fenriz, Ishan, Abbath, and Mortiis, who he claims is actually the troll’s
good twin. But the truth is that he is a bulimic orangutan with goblin tendencies. He’s skinny,
eats large amounts of food and vomits a lot, and has red hair. And he’s malnourished from
his Jagermeister and bacon binges, which are why he has a lot less body hair than one would
expect from an orangutan and more along the amount one would see in a 19 year old human
male.
After the troll, frost giant, Steve, and the orangutan were able to pry themselves away from
the very untr00 task of trying to kill a digital devil, they continued working on their concept
album about some dude named Ethan. The troll wanted to do a concept album about Clad in
Darkness that documented the band’s history, but John, Coy, and Steve all said that was a
stupid idea. No one should EVER write any song about Clad in Darkness, and their history
would not translate to song anyway. That was truly a horrid idea. John wanted to write
about Jesus going on a killing spree and how his shoes are made of stale bread and used fish.
I don’t even want to know what constitutes a used fish. That idea is just bad and no one
should write about Jesus. Jesus isn’t tr00 and neither are his shoes. Steve wanted the album
to be about himself, except he wanted it to have a more alternative rock sound since Steve
really isn’t into metal. No one in Clad in Darkness is going to write an alternative rock album.
Besides, Steven isn’t even in the band. He gets no say in this. He also hates Coy and the
troll. Coy wanted to write about some guy named Ethan, and since this was far less dumb
than the other ideas, that’s the one they went with. However, the band was lazy and can’t
write so they only have a fragment of one song. But now that the troll has reentered the quest
to destroy the Lord of Destruction, music has become a lower priority. John doesn’t partake
in this adventure with Coy and the troll enough. I personally blame Steve. I think Steve is a
bad influence on John. John was a lot cooler before Steve started bossing him around, and it
is highly suspected that Steve was sent to John from Creidhne to destroy his soul similar to
ways in which a succubus would work. Everyone wants Steve to go away but John is just
too attached to him.
Following the excessive amounts of unproductivity, and rumors that the troll and John were
both working on side projects where they could create their concept album of choice, John
and Tranny Surprise ended-up getting married. Online. As a “virtual marriage.” The troll
might wear glasses and be a straight “A” student, but John is now officially the biggest nerd in
Clad in Darkness. And one would think after their years of friendship, Coy would be the
virtual best man. Or if not him the troll. Or even Tyrone or Andrew. But alas, no band mate
was the best man. Or even his pet, Raincoat. The best man was Steve. Steve threw a wild
bachelor party, and skirted all other responsibilities because there were no real witnesses. But
there was no time for a virtual honeymoon where they could cyber consummate their vows
and type out milky tears emoticons and most likely have a freaky threesome with Steve.
There was a show to play. At a pizza place owned by some dead Greek philosopher. Not
only can he contemplate the meaning of life and make money teaching people who don’t want
real degrees at college, but he could also toss a killer pie. So the band prepared to venture off
to the show but alas, it was not to be. Apparently some local band has a bunch of jagbags for
fans who decided to fight and the owner, instead of kicking out those cretins, decided to
cancel all the shows for that month, making many bands cry nonmilky tears of sadness.
Taking the cancellation in stride, the band attempted to work on their Ethan story a bit more.
Unfortunately, only two members showed up and they didn’t really do much of anything,
besides Tranny Surprise. Poor lonely Coy in the basement with no one to play music with.
Following this activity, John cried chocolate milky tears on his keyboard, rendering it useless
for a few days. No one is amused by your milky tears anymore. Stop crying them. Bastard.